When She Loved Me
by blueroseulan
Summary: When Kaoru marries Kenshin, Yahiko chan finds himself missing his 'busu'and wishing their lives would return to how it was before.


Fanfic by Blueroseulan

March 27, 2005

Standard Disclaimers: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, nor the song **_When She Loved Me_** by **_Sarah Mac Lachlan _**

PLEASE REVIEW!

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A lone figure trudged wearily on a well-worn path towards an old outhouse. The young fourteen-year-old boy glanced miserably inside the room and groaned loudly. Sheets were scattered, his clothes tossed and unfolded, manga comics where everywhere and his room stank of rotten food. He wanted to cry there and then, throw a fit of tantrum. But that would not do. Fourteen-year-old boys are grown up. He was grown up, and he the so-called Tokyo samurai would not cry.

A rat scampered hurriedly towards a rather large corner hidden at the side of his room and he sighed. _If I was in the dojo… this would probably not happen to me…_

But that was not his problem.

He blinked.

Well, maybe that was his problem… no, it was his problem; his big problem to be exact that had bugged him for quite a long time.

Kaoru… ever since you and Kenshin got married… everything changed… I… 

He stopped himself, unwilling to go further, not wanting to cry even if in front of nobody. He started to gather his clothes and attempted to fold them one by one, trying to divert his young mind into something more useful to do than reminisce. It was a bad time of the year for him; he rationalized, futilely folding his worn gis for him to wash, only to have it saunter back to its original position.

Huffing indignantly, he shook his head, stood up and grabbed his bokken.

_Maybe a trip to the river wouldn't hurt…_

The sun was still up as it silhouetted a young boy tramping down the golden colored leaves that had started to fall and fill the woods. It gave a sepia color to everything surrounding Yahiko's eyes and it didn't serve to comfort him even for slight a bit. He wanted to walk, to clear his mind yet it seemed that someone had let loose the stream of memories inside his consciousness.

_Kaoru…_

His master's name escaped his lips and whispered itself into the dying wind. The walk to the river was not unfamiliar with him, having journeyed it a lot of times, either for a mission, or just for a small picnic. His eyes, bright and alive before, seemed to not carry the vibrancy he used to have, dulling through the passing of his days and Yahiko had never felt so jaded before.

He missed her. He had already laid it down on himself with the truthful blunt words. No matter how hard he denied it, how long he contradicted himself, in all honesty, he missed her.

Yahiko-chan missed busu.

The swirl of leaves that danced in the air reminded him of the times she had chased him even along the woods, waving her bokken and giving numerous—if not comical threats—to serve as punishment for his insults. Yet, they've laughed about that, after giving him a painful whap in the head and heading back home.

_**When somebody loved me…**_

_**Everything was beautiful…**_

He was not saying that he was unhappy for the two of them. They have waited long enough to profess their feelings for each other, and for that he was happy, for that he was grateful. But somehow, no matter how hard his conscience rebuffed, he was starting to miss the old lives they've had. Long before Kenshin and Kaoru got married, long before they ever fell in love. Life in the Kamiya dojo was just not the _same_. Though he would not admit it into their faces, he would better have chosen the times when student and teacher chased each other like rabid dogs onto each other's tail rather than the peaceful silence that have settled for now.

_**Every hour spent together**_

_**Lives within my heart…**_

His life in the Kamiya dojo was the best in his book; his brother-sister relationship with Kaoru was next. Through this and quite a number of whacking in the head was he shaped to become who he was now. Although in a mere commoner's eye, he was just a kid, somebody who was a weakling and could amount to nothing. But Kaoru deleted that painful illusion for him. Through her teachings and her gestures, she was able to succeed in replacing that with an aura of confidence for the boy that made him feel that he amounted to something to this world, that he could _do _something that would mean something. He loved to tease her, and sometimes, his mind would not understand how his words had left a bitter sting in her heart. He knew he had somehow hurt her in the past and for that he was sorry. He never really hated her, and one would have to reconsider if the boy was really telling the truth rather than merely lying to have the other riled up. But he badgered her sometimes in a good-natured way and sometimes in the Kamiya dojo, was an unusual word.

But still, it stayed in his heart…

_**And when she was sad… **_

_**I was there to dry her tears…**_

The sound of rushing water reached his ears and soon, he reached the bank of the river. Gazing silently, his eye caught sight of the familiar log Kenshin had long occupied while fishing and he instantly felt a choking lump forming at the back of his throat. Ah… the river held a lot of memories for the young boy… Picnics, fights, and chases seem to filter his mind. Another memory resurfaced; when he had stolen the ex-assassin's sword and had jumped to the river in an effort to return it. Yahiko had learnt his lesson well enough in that incident and it was only now that he wished that he could somehow do it again.

_Kyoto…_

Vividly remembered scenes danced through his mind when he thought of the time Kenshin had left them to finish Shishio. How Kaoru had reacted then, scared and still scared him. She became totally depressed, never eating, never talking, and though he would not admit, it was one of the most terrifying moments in his young life. Finally, when she decided to follow the man, he had gathered up enough courage to volunteer to come with her. Even though he was afraid, even if he knew such big a journey was still uncalled in his juvenile life, he went with her, making sure no harm would befall her.

Flashback

_It was dark and stars had come to claim their positions in the dully-colored Tokyo skies. He had spied her sitting on the porch just as he was about to go to bed and he neared her, sitting beside her and staying quiet._

"_Kaoru?" he asked, hazel colored eyes grazing at her still form._

"_Hmmm?" _

_Knowing that his presence was not uncalled for, he scooted next to her and in a rather awkward motion, he turned to hug her, just like any younger brother would._

"_It's okay… we'll find him. I'll come with you." He muttered._

_Had his head not turned in the other way, he would have seen her grateful smile and the stream of tears that fell down from her glassy orbs. But even if he did not, he still heard her silent whispered words._

"_Thank you… Yahiko…"_

_And that was enough._

_**And when she was happy so was I**_

_**When she loved me…**_

He sat down the mossy log, foot and slipper digging down the dry mud that caked it. Ironic to say that when she had nagged him before, scolded him and gave lots of sermons he would wish someone would whisk him in a faraway land, where he would never ever _never_ hear busu's loud irritating voice again.

It was only now he realized that he still missed that.

_Yahiko, give me a hundred strokes._

_What! I'm no busu! Five hundred more for you!_

_You brat! Shut up!_

_Clean the dojo Yahiko-Chan!_

_Where have you been! I swear! You're gonna be the death of me!_

_Don't you dare do that again!_

_**Through the summer and the fall**_

_**We had each other that was all**_

How many summers have passed? How many winters? Fall? How many summer cleaning? Snow fights and sakura gazing gone by? Each one, he still remembered as if it happened only yesterday. Maybe, one's best memories would not be so easily forgotten, the details and fine points still staying in the hidden recesses of one's mind. How much training? Colds and flu's that have gone well taken care of? He wanted Kaoru to constantly stay at his side, to fuss again and again just like she used to, even if it was only a mild cough he had. He was being selfish, yes, he knew that, for he wanted to cage her in an illusion he had far used for one too many a time. He loved her dearly, as any brother for a sister would, he worried about her, and he cared about her. He wanted to tell her how much he missed her, his busu, but he knew she would only smile, her immaturity long gone. Her married life changing her brash uncouth persona into a deeper refiner woman.

_**Just she And I together**_

_**Like it was meant to be…**_

That fateful day he had attempted to snatch Kenshin's wallet was one of the best things that have happened to the teen. That incident proved to be the major turning of his life. God knows what might have happened to him if both Kenshin and Kaoru had not come to rescue him from the group of yakuzas that forced him in a profession he never wanted to be into. It was a miracle, borne for him and since then, Kaoru had welcomed him into her life, teaching him the art of kenjutsu with no payment in return, her unselfishness reflecting in this great act of love. Through the years, a bond formed between master and student and Yahiko started overlooking the fact that he was starting to treat the woman as his older sister. He didn't know why or what plans the gods have in store for him to send Kamiya Kaoru in his way, but he was darned thankful they did.

_**And when she was lonely, **_

_**I was there to comfort her…**_

_**And I knew that she loved me…**_

Amidst bickerings, fights and shoutings, in between a contest of pride a match of patience and a dispute between petty things, the young man knew that Kaoru loved him, dearly at that. No matter how many times she had punished him in the past, how many things she had thunderously ordered for him to do, he knew for a fact that the woman couldn't deny the growing worry inside her chest when he had yet to come home, or the bursting pride she felt when he had accomplished such a task, however simple it may be. Hiding in inside harsh, brash words, he never failed to recognize that she was only doing so for him not to become too proud and brash on himself.

_**And so the years went by…**_

_**I stayed the same…**_

_**But she began to drift away…**_

And then she got married.

It was not a deciding factor, and it was only his immaturity that was making things so complicated. But in his youthful eyes, Yahiko saw this as a gloomy factor that had yet again changed his life. A few months after, Megumi had gone to Aizu, explaining that she was badly needed there rather than in Tokyo. Sanosuke closely followed, barely escaping Saitou's hand for whatever stupidity he had done. Though the boy would like to sometimes think he just had to follow the lady doctor in Aizu… Then only the three of them remained, and while Kaoru had insisted he stayed in the dojo, he gradually refused, knowing that deep inside, she had wanted to have Kenshin alone with her. So, off to Sano's old outhouse he went where he tried to adjust in his new living. After all, he _had _insisted staying away from them and he _had _wanted to live alone to experience being all grown up.

It was just now that the young man realized that being grown up and matured wasn't really that exciting.

When Kaoru allowed him to live alone, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, feel happy or beg on his all fours that he may be permitted to stay at least in the dojo. It was sort of a letting go ritual for him; because the shihohondai master knew that it was what he wanted all along. Freedom, individuality and independence. He thought so too… but some things remained the same…and he was left alone not knowing what to do, how to begin.

_**I was left alone…**_

_**Still I waited for the day**_

_**When she'd say I will always love you…**_

The sun was setting. And so he made a move to stand up. _I need to get home before busu gets mad agai-_

He stopped in midtrack, realizing what he had said just then. And as insight dawned on him, he sank to his seat once again, this time head sinking all the same. It was not like she had totally ignored him, had never once taken care of him, but he missed the old days… the times when she'd fuss and berate, cry and sigh in approval. That spirit was long gone. The bond they had forge slowly fading away… He was a grown up man in her eyes and Yahiko never wanted anything to do rather than to appear as a lost young boy again. If that was what he needed to do to get her attention, to have her call him stupid again or have him whacked by a bokken, then he'd do just that. He never wanted anything else than to hear her scream his name, chase him till they were both beat red because he knew, this was just her expression of sisterly love for him.

_Kaoru… I miss those times… I wish I'd never appealed to be treated as a grown up… because now that you are… I feel so aloof…I realize that I don't want to grow up quickly… I don't want you to treat me as one… Please...don't treat me like I'm someone else…_

_**Lonely and forgotten…**_

"Yahiko…"

He looked up upon hearing the familiar voice. It was Kenshin.

"Hey…" he said, his voice somehow coming out cracked and weak. "What are you doing here?"

The red head smiled, sighing in relief. "I thought I'd find you here. Kaoru's been worried."

_**Never thought she'd look my way…**_

Brown eyes widening, he managed to stutter, "Kaoru's be-been looking for m-me?"

The older man nodded, settling beside the young lad. One look of assessment from the amethyst colored eyes and that was enough for him to understand.

"Yahiko, "he started," When I married Kaoru, doesn't mean that we didn't want you anymore." He said gently.

At once, the said boy was up in surprise, "Wha-How…How did you know about that!" he almost yelled.

Kenshin's gentle laughter strained his ears and he resisted the urge to either beat the man to the pulp or feel relieved.

"It's simple Yahiko, "Kenshin sighed, his eyes leaving the form of the boy to rest on the silhouette of the darkening skies. " I know that look in your eyes… That's… _loneliness _isn't it?" he asked, careful not to sound far too accusing.

The young man blinked, unsure whether to deny or accept, but the latter proved to be stronger and he could only bow his head.

Understanding was quick to comprehend on Kenshin's mind as he snagged a steady arm on the boy's young shoulders.

"Yahiko, Kaoru's distancing away from you because she knew that was what you've wanted for so long. You've always told her… us… that you want to become independent… free and experience living on your own…Kaoru's just giving you that… what you've wanted. " He explained.

For a while, he stood silent, knowing that the words were true. Kenshin wouldn't lie wouldn't he? But how? How do you trace back you've said long lost ago? Biting his lip, he willed himself not to cry, for men do not cry, yet this was a hard task and Yahiko felt the corner of his eyes becoming wet. He was tearing up.

"One's manhood is not decreased when he finds himself in such a situation he cries."

The swordsman's calm voice was enough and he allowed a tear to slide down on his cheek, and another and still another.

"I don't… really…" he whispered, his words being constricted at his throat.

Kenshin smiled, unminding of the garble on the boy's voice.

"Then tell her that Yahiko-kun. Tell her just that when we get home.

It was already dark when they reached the familiar view of the Kamiya dojo. Opening the gate, the young lad's gaze widened when he saw a worried Kaoru sitting tiredly on the porch.

"YAHIKO!" she cried, flying towards him and grasping him in a tight embrace. "Where have you been? I was so worried!" she slightly berated, wet tears unconsciously trailing down her cheeks.

He was about to answer back, though no certain reply was in his tongue when she cut him off, a grateful relived smile filling her face, "Never mind… the important thing is your home."

_**And she smiled at me **_

_**And held me just like she used to do…**_

Her words were enough to send his sobs spilling out of his throat, his tears rapidly falling in his cheeks as he sobbed heavily on her shoulder.

"Bu-su.. I'm so sorry…Sorry…" he managed to say in between garbled sobs of misery and relief. She smiled in understanding, despite her own tears falling freely down her face. She did not know why she was crying but she was and he only held her tighter knowing she did.

"Ssshh…don't cry Yahiko…please don't cry…" she murmured as she held his sobbing form in a gentle protective manner. She was happy that he was back and he was opening to her. She was fiercely glad about that. She waited for his sobs to die down, running her palm in the small of his back while doing so.

_**Like she loved me…**_

_**When she loved me…**_

That morning, fond amethyst eyes gazed on two hidden forms under the blanket as the first of the sun filtered the large space of their room. After that night, he had carried the sleeping form of the child towards their room and Kaoru had asked if it was all right if Yahiko slept next to her. He quickly agreed, knowing that this was what the boy needed, assurance and safety in his own accusing heart.

Now, watching them, he realized that it was both foolish for him and Kaoru to let go of Yahiko just there and then. He was still a boy, a child in his own heart, needing and wanting a mother's caress and a sister's assurance. His bond with Kaoru was extraordinary in its truest form and he understood that all of them wanted to preserve that.

Sleepy eyes opened to find himself woven in a protective embrace of a woman's arms. Yahiko gazed to find his sister sleeping directly next to him and he had to smile.

_**When somebody loved me…**_

_**Everything was beautiful…**_

Instead of waking up and pushing her away, he snuggled closer to her, wanting to feel her assurance, needing to comprehend that his sisterly love will always remain the same for her. She was his busu, and he alone could call her that. It was a name, an endearing he had formed for her, and only her. And well… she alone could call him Yahiko-chan… for if someone did… then they'd surely get into big trouble. Wouldn't they?

_**Every hour we spent together**_

_**Lives within my heart…**_

He smiled, despite his sleepiness.

_From now on… everything will be all right… I'm sure everything will be all right… because Kaoru loves me…_

_Busu…._

_**When she loved me…**_

_OWARI_

_Some Japanese terms:_

_**BUSU- ** hag, ugly_

_**Chan-** An endearment connected to the names of toddlers and children (that's why Yahiko hates the name)_

_**BOKKEN-** A japanese wooden sword used for training Kenjutsu_

_**YAKUZA-**This one aint clear to me, but as of what I've heard of, they're the mafia gang in japan._

An: THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS…sobs…. It's so tearfully dramatic…. Sobs… remind you guys though, the song doesn't belong to me!

I HAD THIS WEIRD NOTION THAT YAHIKO WOULD FEEL AFFECTED WITH KAORU'S MARRIAGE JUST LIKE SOME BROTHERS WOULD FEEL…DRAMA HUH? NEWAIZ, PLEASE REVIEW!


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